Death or Rebirth?


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Love to you!


Grief, sadness and loss are not easy to deal with, yet when we surrender, they can help us through a doorway to an altered, sometimes even more enjoyable way of life.  There’s no ‘right way’, to experience grief, there’s only a way that’s right for you.  When grieving there are many different emotions experienced including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, sadness and acceptance.  The amount of time and the stages of emotions vary greatly whether you’re grieving because of a death, divorce, a relationship or a way of life coming to an end.

I have had an interesting relationship with grief as my father died when I was six, yet I didn’t really grieve for him until I was in my 30’s (that’s another blog).  As a result, I had many years of unfulfilling relationships, stress, pain and illness.  My aunty passed very recently and I’ve also lost a very dear friendship so the emotions are fresh which brought me to share what I think helps at times like this.

1.  Give yourself time to grieve

It’s crucial that you take time to connect with your heart and honour your grief and sadness.  We can experience many emotions at this time, especially fear; fear of the future and even fear of feeling the feelings.  However, if the emotions aren’t recognised they can become stuck in the physical body and cause dis-ease.  E-Motion is Energy in Motion and in Traditional Chinese Medicine terms, grief is held in the lungs so if it goes unacknowledged it can cause asthma, colds and other ailments.  When we cry, as well as releasing the emotion, we breathe deeply which transmutes the emotions, helping us to heal and introducing fresh energy into our body.

2. Take one second at a time.

Surround yourself with supportive, loving, positive people and if there are practical arrangements to be made there are always people who are happy to help; this is a kind Universe and when we ask we do receive.  It takes strength to ask for, and then accept support, but it is so important to do so.  As well as eating healthily, it will help to share your thoughts and feelings with others and spend some time in nature which is naturally healing and will help you to gain a healthier perspective.  It would also help to share your feelings with friends or a recommended practitioner, therapist or counsellor.  If you feel like you can’t bear to even talk about it, I highly recommend therapies like Shiatsu and Reiki from a recommended practitioner as they are gentle and non intrusive and will help you release the emotion in a safe, gentle way.

Sometimes the emotions can be overwhelming, by taking deep, slow conscious breaths it helps to slow down the thoughts, which in turn calms our heart and prevents us from worrying and panicking unnecessarily (if you’d like to read an article on the benefits of slow, deep, conscious breathing click here).

Remember these three important words at this time; ‘this will pass’.

2.  Mark the loss with a ceremony

When we lose someone or we experience an ending, it’s important to mark it so that we consciously let go.  If we experience death, funerals give us an opportunity to pay our respects and remember the person with love.  With other kinds of grief, like the ending of a relationship, it’s good to write about it.  If you still feel sad or angry with someone who has left your life I recommend clearing the emotions so you don’t carry any negative emotions (which again can cause disease) plus it means that you then have closure.

I recommend a shamanic technique where you write a letter to the person involved, expressing EVERYTHING you feel, especially the perceived ‘negative’ emotions.  Then destroy the letter by either tearing it up or burning it.  When you do this you’ll be amazed at what comes out, so just keep writing and refrain from censoring it, just let it flow.  This is a powerful process and you can treat it like a ceremony by lighting a candle or setting the fire.  As you destroy the letter, the words and emotions are transmuted, as are the emotions.  It’s amazing how freeing this is and it affects not only you, but also the person you wrote to!  It’s also good to do this if you fall out with someone or you can’t express your emotions directly, or even if you can, before you do so, use this process and you’ll be a lot clearer about what you’d like to say as the emotions will have dissipated.

4.  Acknowledge how they contributed to your life.

When the grief has subsided, there’ll come a time when you’ll be able to acknowledge how that person or experience contributed to your life.  Even if it was a time or a relationship that caused you a lot of pain, it will help to focus on what you learned and how you grew.  Relationships which we might perceive as ‘tough’ are generally the best in terms of our learnings and growth and we’ve always got choices; the most powerful one is how we use our mind to perceive experiences.  You can either use your mind to become powerful and help create a better life or become a victim of circumstances.  I read a wonderful book when I was experiencing a tough time a few years ago and it really helped me.  It’s called ‘Man’s search for meaning’ by Viktor Frankl, he talks about his time in a concentration camp and his psychotherapeutic method of finding a reason to live, a real example of how our choice of thoughts can be used to either disempower or empower us.

5.  Create something new in your life.

When your life changes, change your life.  Rather than sticking to old routines and trying to hang on to the way things used to be, introduce something new into your life like a new form of exercise a hobby, or something which you can channel your time and energy into.

I also recommend this to people who have substance misuse issues and are moving towards living without drugs or alcohol.  When you introduce something positive into your life, you are directing your energy into creating and it’s a wonderful way of meeting new people and changing your view on the world.  I’m always amazed at how clients’ lives transform when they start a new hobby or develop a new interest; the new lease of life is almost like a rebirth and quite frequently leads to love when they haven’t been looking for it!

6.  Serve others with your experience.

There is a reason for everything we experience.  Apart from learning from our experiences, it means we can be there for others when they too experience tough times.  Quite often when clients come to me for guidance during a particularly difficult time, they can’t see a way out of it and wonder why they have to experience such pain.  I know that not only will I witness an amazing transformation, but one day they’ll look back on their experiences with gratitude.  These experiences change us so much so we become stronger, gentler, wiser people who can guide others when they are in similar circumstances.

When I was in working through grief I often considered walking away from it all when it got too painful, yet I always persisted because deep down, I knew that it would benefit me greatly.  I am eternally grateful that I did because as well as becoming a wiser, more conscious, content person, I am still attracting clients who need my guidance.  If I hadn’t worked through my own ‘stuff’ I couldn’t help them.  This is an amazing feeling, knowing that I can be their wise person and help them see that ‘tough’ times are always blessings in disguise.

‘Remember, treat every day as if its’ your last…. and treat everyone as if it’s their last day.’

What do you think? How has grief affected your life and what helped you?

I always love hearing your feedback, so please leave a comment or write to me with any questions, thoughts, or feedback…

Please share this post with your friends, you can easily do so if they’re on Twitter and Facebook. I totally appreciate it!!

Thanks so much for spending time with me here today and be good to you!


One thought on “Death or Rebirth?

  1. jean gilhead

    Thank you for this sensitive and elegant piece, Gerry, it applies to us all as none of us escape grief. With your permission I’d like to copy and send it to a friend whose husband died a year ago but for who the grief is still raw.
    Big hugs


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